i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
