I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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