listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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