addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
