I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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