The maid of honor just puked.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
