Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
