just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
