Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
