My Higher Power is John Stamos
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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