I just threw up on my dentist
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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