So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
