My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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