THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
