Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
