Don't you send me to vm
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
