Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
