A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
