he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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