dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
