thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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