He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
