If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
