you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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