Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
