Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
