We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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