I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
