I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
