I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Too much gin, very little bucket
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
