Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
