Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
