speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
