I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
