Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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