Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
