she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
