There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
