I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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