Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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