The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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