well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
