i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's always time for handjobs
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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