Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
