chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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