There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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