can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
