I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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