After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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