i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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