dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
